Anaylze This

For the past 2 months I have been analyzing my thoughts, feelings and reactions. I have come to the conclusion that I have come a long way and I have a bit more to improve on. Sometimes I run on pure emotions. I try to keep my mind pure with thoughts that are positive and encouraging. I think I have come a long way from being the bitter child that I was. All I want... NEED... is for the people around me to be on the same page.

I have tried to dissect the poison from my life then I realized... Some of that poison is blood. Since I can't change my lineage, I learn to either accept, ignore or disown. So far so good. But some "appendages" cannot be severed. I can honestly say I have not been jealous of anyone for a good part of 5 year. Usually when I feel the jealousy strings pulling at my heart I analyze it and most often than not it is because they have something I never thought I wanted. LOL I accept the feelings and figure out a way to obtain it.

But there is one person in particular that I half mixed feelings for. This person is the funniest person you could ever meet. Has the ability to put you at ease, feel like you are the center of attention and encourages spontaneity. Deep down inside I wish I possessed those abilities BUT not at the cost of others. I know I am speaking in mystery but this is as deep as I can get at the moment without having prying eyes go run back and gossip. Why blog about it? Because I can. Maybe in the hopes of that person confronting me. Hoping it will purge my soul. It has taken a lot of tension from my shoulders but my heart is still heavy. It is so easy to hate somebody for who they are and what they stand for. But it is torture to feel that way about blood. I feel like a bad person when I know I have worked so hard not to be.

On a very positive note, Dad is his own boss now. Yay!


Solarelle said...

Well, It is great that you are getting your feelings out and know that something is bothering you

Yay! for Dad being his own man!