All So Soon...

The time has come. My grammy is being transferred to hospice. My heart, body & soul are heavy. I cannot cry because I think I am actually cried out. I have been mourning my grammy since April 11th. I am prepared. What I wasn't prepared for is how soon this day has come. (sighs) How can one EVER be prepared for this?!

Is it wrong that I am kind of upset? That I'm angry because they told us 6 months but it hasn't even been a month. We were planning a party to celebrate her 60th birthday. We were going to celebrate one more Thanksgiving... Maybe another Christmas or in her Hannukah... And GOD willing her 42nd wedding anniversary. I feel like we were cheated. Death is so inconvenient & I am so bitter.

FYI. That is not Grammy in the pic. That's Krys & her beloved doggy (RIP) Usu. This picture always makes me happy...

Messed Up Sunday!

We had plumbing issues today. Water flooded my parents bedroom, Mom's closet & the hallway. We didn't even need Hurricane / Tropical Storm Claudette to send rain our way.

I wish I could push rewind to yesterday. I made dark chocolate fudge cupcakes. Used the FAB hula cupcake toppers Liz bought me. Nibbled on the cupcakes while I read the "Stampin' Up!" catalog Sunshine sent me! While running my fingers through my newly cut hair.

Grammy is out of the hospital and back at home. She is adjusting to her environment but I think she is glad that she is where her heart is. We plan on going down to Ocala during the next federal holiday. I believe that is in the next two weeks.





Yeah, yesterday was significantly a better day!

Not Her Year

On Monday, we found out that Grammy's cancer came back. They anticipate that she has only six (6) to eight (8) months to live. (sighs)

Sunshine said it is our anniversary. ♥ 21 years. Wow! We're old.

I'm having a great hair day.

Its raining but the sun is shining. Pretty much how I feel inside.

Crap Is Not My Favorite Dish

My dad had, rather still has, a poster in his work shed that read:

I am a mushroom:
They keep me in the dark
And feed me bullshit!

That has become my motto for the last few months. Whatever happened to being truthful? Having a conscience? Being true to one's self? I really do try not to lie. Even a white lie is hard for me. If I have something that I do not want to say, I usually just say "I do not feel comfortable divulging that information" or something to that effect. I may refuse to lie but I refuse to be vindictive or malicious, contrary to popular belief. My main goal in life is to live w/ no regrets. So far I am successful... Yet I find myself suffering because of other peoples' lies. How the hell is that possible!?

WTF is up w/ this "summer cold" that is going around? My dad has been sick for the past 4 days... Along with EVERYBODY that has come into the office today. I was instructed by my boss to OD on some OJ & H2O. I just want him better not only for his sake but for my own. He is GROUCHY!

ON WITH THE POSITIVITY: The Confessions of a Shopaholic DVD was released today & Krys is buying it for me on Thursday. YAY TO DVDS ON SALE AT WAL-MART!

ONE MORE THING: Linda & I are brainstorming about a family gathering to celebrate my grammy's recovery. We anticipate sometime in September. EVERYONE will be invited and when I mean everyone that includes Krys's favorite uncle LOL *whispers* in all honesty, i hope it is closer to new year so that I can save up. I anticipate spoiling Lily when Sunshine & Robert visit in October.

Anaylze This

For the past 2 months I have been analyzing my thoughts, feelings and reactions. I have come to the conclusion that I have come a long way and I have a bit more to improve on. Sometimes I run on pure emotions. I try to keep my mind pure with thoughts that are positive and encouraging. I think I have come a long way from being the bitter child that I was. All I want... NEED... is for the people around me to be on the same page.

I have tried to dissect the poison from my life then I realized... Some of that poison is blood. Since I can't change my lineage, I learn to either accept, ignore or disown. So far so good. But some "appendages" cannot be severed. I can honestly say I have not been jealous of anyone for a good part of 5 year. Usually when I feel the jealousy strings pulling at my heart I analyze it and most often than not it is because they have something I never thought I wanted. LOL I accept the feelings and figure out a way to obtain it.

But there is one person in particular that I half mixed feelings for. This person is the funniest person you could ever meet. Has the ability to put you at ease, feel like you are the center of attention and encourages spontaneity. Deep down inside I wish I possessed those abilities BUT not at the cost of others. I know I am speaking in mystery but this is as deep as I can get at the moment without having prying eyes go run back and gossip. Why blog about it? Because I can. Maybe in the hopes of that person confronting me. Hoping it will purge my soul. It has taken a lot of tension from my shoulders but my heart is still heavy. It is so easy to hate somebody for who they are and what they stand for. But it is torture to feel that way about blood. I feel like a bad person when I know I have worked so hard not to be.

On a very positive note, Dad is his own boss now. Yay!